Saturday, July 22, 2006
Renewal ...
I once read a wonderful little book called "The School of Christ" by T. Austin Sparks. It contained one of the more memorable phrases that I've ever come across. Sparks is writing about the process of following Jesus, and how we labor in our human tendencies to imitate His behavior by effort and good intention. And how we fail ... then despair of our failure, repent and renew our commitment to follow Him. Until one day, after literally countless cycles of effort-failure-recognition-repentace-renewal .... we fail and are overwhelmed by the thought "I can't do this!"
That moment, Sparks writes, is the Great Despair, and it out of that moment that we can really begin to live life dependently upon Jesus. Although I have had to be reminded a few times, I can recall with clarity a time several years ago (but several yers after I began my Chrstian journey) when I endured the Great Despair. Out of that brokenness my life changed dramatically. Grace was sweeter and more real. Christ's strength was more powerful and available. I reveled in both love and mercy, and grew in faith as I never had before.
Over the past 2 years I have been struggling with another aspect of despair -- surrounding the church and my role in it. Whether it was birthed by my official entrance into "middle age," (which brought to my constant attention a new sense of urgency) or by my 'new' understandings of God's love and the church's mission -- I don't really know. I do know that I found the way church was being done sucked the very life out of me. I spiraled into negativity and cynicism (not good places for a pastor to be) and found myself focusing on "doing" the things that people expected a pastor to do .... without following Christ.
This internal struggle reached a zenith this summer, in part because I was determined to wrestle with God as Jacob did at Peniel, until I figured out what I was supposed to do. Change congregations? Start a new one? Explore the avenues available in the so-called house church? My family and I left town for a vacation at the beach -- my wife, 3 daughters and 2 of their friends. (Yeah, I know ... some would not call 10 hours in the car with 6 girls a vacation!) A suntan and good seafood were the main goals expressed by all, but I left town with a deep desire to meet God in a fresh way, albiet in a fresh place.
The Father once told Jeremiah that if His children sought Him with their whole heart, they would surely find Him. Freed from religious routine and pastoral expectations, I poured my whole heart out --- I broke before Him. And found myself held in the arms of God. Renewed in faith, if not in strength. Renewed in passion, if not yet perfectly in practice. Renewed in mission, with the question of 'where?' taken off the table.
My Second Great Despair in life happened on a beachfront at sunrise ... when I faced the unquestionable reality that I couldn't manage, manipulate or mass produce a church full of people that desperately and devotedly wanted to follow Jesus. I also faced again my First Great Despair, that when I focus on what I am doing, rather than who I am doing what I am doing ... I cannot succeed. I become religious but abandon my dependence on Christ. In both ases, I discovered the answer to my despair was in Him.
Now I am at home ... comfortable with the place that God has planted me, even though few of the questions about how to make this garden burst into bloom are answered. But I am renewed in my understanding that I must flower first, not because I am a pastor, but because I am a disciple .. a follower .. an imitator of the Lily of the Valley. There is much liberation that comes along with that ... and with that freedom, a renewal of enthusiasm and determination to be the best pastor that I can be ... as he guides me and allows me and empowers me.
I pray that if you are in a season of trials and struggling with hopelessness, that God will bring you to the Great Despair quickly. I pray that you may find in Him ... renewal.
Peace.
That moment, Sparks writes, is the Great Despair, and it out of that moment that we can really begin to live life dependently upon Jesus. Although I have had to be reminded a few times, I can recall with clarity a time several years ago (but several yers after I began my Chrstian journey) when I endured the Great Despair. Out of that brokenness my life changed dramatically. Grace was sweeter and more real. Christ's strength was more powerful and available. I reveled in both love and mercy, and grew in faith as I never had before.
Over the past 2 years I have been struggling with another aspect of despair -- surrounding the church and my role in it. Whether it was birthed by my official entrance into "middle age," (which brought to my constant attention a new sense of urgency) or by my 'new' understandings of God's love and the church's mission -- I don't really know. I do know that I found the way church was being done sucked the very life out of me. I spiraled into negativity and cynicism (not good places for a pastor to be) and found myself focusing on "doing" the things that people expected a pastor to do .... without following Christ.
This internal struggle reached a zenith this summer, in part because I was determined to wrestle with God as Jacob did at Peniel, until I figured out what I was supposed to do. Change congregations? Start a new one? Explore the avenues available in the so-called house church? My family and I left town for a vacation at the beach -- my wife, 3 daughters and 2 of their friends. (Yeah, I know ... some would not call 10 hours in the car with 6 girls a vacation!) A suntan and good seafood were the main goals expressed by all, but I left town with a deep desire to meet God in a fresh way, albiet in a fresh place.
The Father once told Jeremiah that if His children sought Him with their whole heart, they would surely find Him. Freed from religious routine and pastoral expectations, I poured my whole heart out --- I broke before Him. And found myself held in the arms of God. Renewed in faith, if not in strength. Renewed in passion, if not yet perfectly in practice. Renewed in mission, with the question of 'where?' taken off the table.
My Second Great Despair in life happened on a beachfront at sunrise ... when I faced the unquestionable reality that I couldn't manage, manipulate or mass produce a church full of people that desperately and devotedly wanted to follow Jesus. I also faced again my First Great Despair, that when I focus on what I am doing, rather than who I am doing what I am doing ... I cannot succeed. I become religious but abandon my dependence on Christ. In both ases, I discovered the answer to my despair was in Him.
Now I am at home ... comfortable with the place that God has planted me, even though few of the questions about how to make this garden burst into bloom are answered. But I am renewed in my understanding that I must flower first, not because I am a pastor, but because I am a disciple .. a follower .. an imitator of the Lily of the Valley. There is much liberation that comes along with that ... and with that freedom, a renewal of enthusiasm and determination to be the best pastor that I can be ... as he guides me and allows me and empowers me.
I pray that if you are in a season of trials and struggling with hopelessness, that God will bring you to the Great Despair quickly. I pray that you may find in Him ... renewal.
Peace.
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Hi, Harry!
Just popped over from Benedictine Baptist to take a look at your blog and was really moved by this post.
I, too, am a pastor and can really identify with what you've been going through this summer - I experienced the same emotions and faced the same tough questions some months ago. I think it's partly to do with age, but also to do with spiritual maturity - as we move through to the later stages of faith (James Fowler's theory) we become increasingly aware of the 'discrepancies' in the realities of everyday church life/leadership ... I don't know if you understand what I mean, but I don't know how else to put it.
At around the time I was facing my Great Despair, I had the chance to take a retreat at a Franciscan monastery and it was a time of wonderful renewal for me, because God showed me that good pastoral service grows out of a total commitment to Christ.
Subsequently, I read many books on monasticism and neo-monasticism (my wife was worried I was going to run off to join a monastery!) and then I came across St Benedict's Rule. God really spoke to me through it and I think I have become a better pastor since embracing it - I know some would question whether it is appropriate for a Baptist pastor to do that, but I feel totally at peace about it.
I'm so pleased that you feel comfortable where God has placed you and I'm sure that, as you follow Him ever more closely, He will bring your whole garden into bloom.
With every blessing,
BB.
Just popped over from Benedictine Baptist to take a look at your blog and was really moved by this post.
I, too, am a pastor and can really identify with what you've been going through this summer - I experienced the same emotions and faced the same tough questions some months ago. I think it's partly to do with age, but also to do with spiritual maturity - as we move through to the later stages of faith (James Fowler's theory) we become increasingly aware of the 'discrepancies' in the realities of everyday church life/leadership ... I don't know if you understand what I mean, but I don't know how else to put it.
At around the time I was facing my Great Despair, I had the chance to take a retreat at a Franciscan monastery and it was a time of wonderful renewal for me, because God showed me that good pastoral service grows out of a total commitment to Christ.
Subsequently, I read many books on monasticism and neo-monasticism (my wife was worried I was going to run off to join a monastery!) and then I came across St Benedict's Rule. God really spoke to me through it and I think I have become a better pastor since embracing it - I know some would question whether it is appropriate for a Baptist pastor to do that, but I feel totally at peace about it.
I'm so pleased that you feel comfortable where God has placed you and I'm sure that, as you follow Him ever more closely, He will bring your whole garden into bloom.
With every blessing,
BB.
Hi bb,
I was not so fortunate to 'find' a retreat or group, but God graciously allowed me into the world of Willard and Foster and Norris. It was imersed in their writings that I re-discovered Merton and Nowuen and Kempis (I was raised in a very devout Roman Catholic home and educated at Catholic schools) -- and I recognized the growing desire I had for the contemplative life. In many ways I was already engaging in things that I didn't "know" about ... but found myself learning and growing as I explored the monastic/contemplative world.
Like you , I woonder how many who know me would react to this,. but also like you, what is undeniable is the growth of my spirit and the deepening of my pastoral ministry. I am a way better pastor now than I was ... annd counting On Him to grow me even more!
I am enjoying the conversation ... blessings to you.
harry
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I was not so fortunate to 'find' a retreat or group, but God graciously allowed me into the world of Willard and Foster and Norris. It was imersed in their writings that I re-discovered Merton and Nowuen and Kempis (I was raised in a very devout Roman Catholic home and educated at Catholic schools) -- and I recognized the growing desire I had for the contemplative life. In many ways I was already engaging in things that I didn't "know" about ... but found myself learning and growing as I explored the monastic/contemplative world.
Like you , I woonder how many who know me would react to this,. but also like you, what is undeniable is the growth of my spirit and the deepening of my pastoral ministry. I am a way better pastor now than I was ... annd counting On Him to grow me even more!
I am enjoying the conversation ... blessings to you.
harry
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