Thursday, May 11, 2006
Battling God
"the beloved enemy. Our enemy because, before giving us everything, He demands of us everything; before giving us life, He demands our lives – ourselves, our wills, our treasure."
Man, am I wrestling with this.
I suspect that most of us, if we were (or even could be) honest would admit that we are striving with God over control of our lives. It’s ridiculously hard enough to relinquish control when circumstances are out of our range of power – like with disease or death. When we can find solace in surrender because there is no other option. But even more difficult is the voluntary surrender of our selves when we have a choice.
When life’s circumstances push me into a corner of inadequacy or near-despair, I find my ‘faith’ willing and able to trust God through even painful times, because I in no way want to face the prospect of those painful times without Him. So I surrender to Him. ‘Lord, have Your way. Work as You will. Be glorified in me, even in my pain."
Sometimes my pain is not so obvious, nor so unavoidable. Sometimes my pain comes because I get lazy, or I get comfortable. I see my imperfections and inadequacies and grow deeply frustrated at my unfruitfulness. Yet, my state of being is reflective of my choice to surrender or fight.
So why do I fight God? Why keep room for grudges or harbor resentments? Why choose deception over authenticity? Why hoard when I could give generously? Why judge when I could be gracious? Why discriminate when I could love? Why ignore when I could be compassionate? Why choose anger over peace? Lust over love? Envy over encouragement?
I don’t have the answer – only the knowledge that when I view life and God through my own perspectives, I find myself worthy of defense. My will seems important. My agenda seems noble. My reputation seems battle-worthy. So I fight to maintain me.
When I view life and myself through God’s perspective, I am much more apt to surrender. To see me for who I am – and for Who I am not. And in contrast, my will and agenda and reputation seem meaningless. Certainly not worth fighting for.
But I am ever thankful that Jesus did fight for me. That on the cross He battled for me, so that through His resurrection power I might not have to. I could surrender. And enjoy what Buechner calls the "victory, the magnificent defeat of the human soul at the hand of God."
Defeated … again,
harry
Thank you and ouch.
I have to give up again every day.
: 5/13/2006 12:41:00 PM<< Home
